The first few months of my gap year were good as I was making money and it was good not having to worry about the pressures of school and homework and deadlines. However, soon september came around and all my friends left for uni and ended up making new friends and it was difficult to keep in touch. I became very lonely and secluded, only seeing a couple of friends on the off occasion when they came home from uni for the weekend. I started to find myself experiencing the same kind of feelings I experienced in 2010, which worried me a lot. It was only when I made a twitter account and met five very special and important people that my life started to turn around. The names of these people are Jack, James, Katie, Charlie and Will. I don't quite know how we all became some sort of twitter friendship group, but it happened, and this friendship influenced my life in so many ways that I often find it unthinkable that I don't actually know these people in real life. They inspired me a lot and made me laugh and gave me some sort of validation that I wasn't a loser or a loner, and they made me feel confident in the person that I am and suddenly life didnt seem so lonely or scary. I had tweeted various times about my longing to make videos, yet I had always been too scared and too self conscious to actually follow through, but upon the continual encouragement of these five heroes, in february last year I uploaded a very long and unedited 6 minute vlog to a website called Telly.

stop hurting
stop breathing for a second
see how long you can hold it in
never again will you inhale
the smell of a burnt out firework
or a menthol cigarette snaking your lungs
the smell of a morning city
or the joy of being young

doesn't that make you sad?
doesn't that hurt more?

You & I

I love
the way that your hands runs to your mouth when you laugh
and the coarse touch of your hands I long to kiss
You
are just a little too nice for me
but I'm willing to abhor all sour sensitivity
for a chance of a little affection with thee
My
stomach is a carnival when I'm with you
red and orange and vibrant gold entwined in my heart
And
you don't mind that I'm a little bit crazy
which is lovely because I'm mad about you

im a slave to my scars and the tears that fall from my eyes
im a slave to the people who told me I didnt matter
and the children who didn't let me play
im a slave to the ones who laugh and joke
and a slave to my body and the aches that haunt me through the night
but I wont be a slave to the prison inside my head